One Week to Go, Three Months Gone

Today is significant to me for so many reasons. We are only one week away from a huge work event that I have been working on for three months. It is the time of year I dread and hate, but it must be done (at least until I have another job). This week I will be there early, stay late, forget to eat and drink because I am so busy, and do my best not to blow up at anyone because they are not doing their share. It's par for the course at this point, and I know I should just expect it now. But you know what? I always think, deep down, maybe this year they will see how hard I am working and reward me or at least acknowledge it. And despite all this....they will be shocked when I finally (and joyously) get to announce I am leaving. Nothing on the radar yet, but it's only a matter of time.

Today is a sad day and one of remembrance for me as well. It it has been three months since my friend passed away from brain cancer. I miss her everyday and think of her more times than I can count. I had a dream last night that she came back to us. It was a weird dream, a mash-up of real life, my work event, the Sex and the City marathon of episodes I had yesterday and of course, wishful thinking. It's been a tough week all around. May 5th was a day that was very very special to her and her husband. Their baby was due right about now, and my friend, the husband left behind has a birthday in a few weeks. The void and the sadness is palpable. How can she be gone but still be so here??? As I said, in my dream, she came back. She wasn't totally herself, but she was back. We all kept seeing her, but could not get to her in time to speak with her before she disappeared again. They say dreams all mean something. It's funny how my dream mirrored what I feel. It's like she is not really gone, our of my sheer denial, but I know she is no longer with us. I still cannot erase her phone number from my phone, even though I know if I dialed it, it would have been disconnected. God I miss her.

Unfortunately---today, this week...basically until next Tuesday, I have no time to indulge my emotions or whims. I belong to my job 100%, which I hate and resent right back 110%. The only good thing about this event is that is only comes once a year. Well I'm off to start working. It's 6:10 a.m. and I can get a good hour of work in before anyone shows up at the office....this way I might be able to leave earlier as well....fingers crossed!