I just entered the final year of my 20s. Over the weekend I celebrated my birthday with friends and family...it was amazing and I felt so blessed to have them all in my life. Friday night was spent with a group of college girlfriends, who have been a part of my life for years. Saturday night was reserved for another group of friends, though I consider them more family. Though I have not known them for as long as my other friends, there is a closeness there that I have with no other group. We have been through so much, especially this year.
So much has happened that I am grateful for, but there are things I will never understand. I am grateful that I have my health. I am blessed with a loving family. I am lucky to have friends who care about me, that I can turn to at a moment's notice if needed. I learned just how lucky I was this year.
As 2010 came to a close, I was full of hope for 2011. I refuse to read anything about "doomsday" because 1. I think a lot of it is total BS, and 2. Because it actually kind of freaks me out, and if the end is near, I don't want to spent my time wallowing over the inevitable. But back to being hopeful...I was hopeful that I would get a new, better paying job. I was hopeful I would meet someone to share my life with. These are dreams so many people have...I dream of these things and more. I dream of the day when I will own a car with 4 Wheel Drive, that drives in the blizzards. I would love to win the lottery. You know, the usual stuff.
So as 2010 came to an end, I thought "maybe this will be the year." However, the year started with heartbreak. On New Year's Eve I received an email that changed my life forever. A good friend of mine, part of my "family" had been taken ill very suddenly, and it was serious. She was 5 months pregnant and had stopped breathing. They had no idea what was wrong. She was transferred to one of the best hospitals in the area...in fact...probably the world. I am lucky to live in an area that if you do get sick, you are surrounded by the best schools, treatment facilities, doctors and hospitals in the world. The news came that she was going into brain surgery. My heart sunk when I got that email. All I could think of was my friend, my vibrant, funny friend and the baby she had so desperately wanted. I stayed by my computer all day...waiting for any news on my friend. I waited and cried. Cried and waited. It just did not seem real. I was praying with everything I had for a New Year's miracle. I made the decision to go out that night, with my friends from college. I just knew sitting at home was not the answer. Despite being a mess, I went out, keeping my phone close at all times, waiting on bated breath for any kind of update. Then it came...the good news I had been hoping for: my friend had made it out of surgery was and both she and the baby were stable. I was able to take my first real breathe all day and sighed with relief. The relief however, would soon turn to fear.
After that initial surgery, everyday seemed like a roller coaster. One day the news as good, even hopeful. The next, four steps back. It was on January 2nd that I got the email that my friend's baby had been lost. My heart broke in two for my friend and her husband. Though he was surrounded by family, I can only imagine how alone he must have felt; not even being able to share the tragedy with his wife. That night, the news got worse. My beautiful and funny friend did not just have fluid on her brain...she had brain cancer. The migraines that she had attributed to stress and hormones in the last year, had actually been a tumor taking over her brain. My heart shattered. Being the researcher I am, I immediately googled the type of brain cancer. As soon as I read the first sentence...I knew. The only miracle they could have was time.
Within just six weeks of her diagnosis, my sweet and sassy friend said goodbye, and left the world a bit darker. Despite having known what the end result was going to be, I just could not believe that she was gone. Even know, 2 months since her death, my heart still aches daily. I cannot even imagine what her husband, another close friend, must be going through. I feel her absence keenly as I go about my day. There is a hole in the group that can never really be filled, even though I want to believe that in some way, she is still with us. I wonder if she had any idea how much she was loved and how many people she touched, just because of who she was. She was sassy, sarcastic, sweet, funny and a take no bullshit woman. She could make you laugh when you needed it, but tell you the truth when no one else would. She was amazing.
Through out this whole ordeal, I kept thinking one thing: I don't have one picture with her. In the few years that I had known her, I did not have a picture of the two of us in a group, let alone together. I will always regret that. I miss her...everyday. I like to ask myself "what would she do?"
So I guess the point of this post is simple....With the last year of my 20s in front of me...I am going to do what my wonderful friend would have done- I am going to live.
